Scribed by Jason Firestone.
Hey… youâ€¦I got a secret. No seriously. I’ll tell it to you. Shhh! Don’t say anything. I figured it all out. I did. Seriously. And I’m willing to tell you. Just listen. Check it out. Those bands. Certain bands. Whether they’re really good or just totally suck. They bring out a bunch of chicks! Like, really gorgeous dumb chicks! In DROVES! The kind of girls whose mere existence made you want to pick up an instrument to begin with! Every show! Every damn show they come out to see the band! You work TIRELESSLY to get your band’s music and name out there, while these assholes do nothing but post a MySpace bulletin at the last minute and instantly bring seas of gorgeous girls. How do they do it??
Well, my friend, it’s actually quite simple. I shall call it the Dane Cook effect. Do you really think that if Steve Buscemi’s career consisted of over-pronouncing words, coming up with nicknames for fast food places, and jumping around like a frat boy after a few too many beer bongs he’d have college girls masturbating to his entire catalog on repeat? It’s the same way with you trying to make some good-looking girls laugh by telling that hilarious joke about the sex change operation: You get looks of disgust and then the girls ignore you, while the dude with the popped collar tells the same joke a couple days later and is met with roaring laughter by the same girls. No, it’s not fair, but the truth is that girls like pretty boys. Even back to when you were a kid and all the boy band shit was shoved down every teenage girl’s throat. You’d flip the channels and land on TRL and see some psychotic chick standing out in 15 degree NYC weather for three hours just to tell the cameras “I requested Backstreet Boys because they’re so hot!! Woooo!!!” These are the same brainless chicks who go to a show not to enjoy a band’s music, but just to see them presented on an elevated portion of the room as if those guy are the only ones to step foot on that stage. Oh, and they just so happen to be playing instruments.
So rest easy knowing that, despite the moisture levels of their fans’ vaginas convincing them to endlessly blabber on otherwise, it really does have nothing to do with talent. And also take comfort in the fact that once another band of dudes with nut-huggers, brand name polo shirts, and stylishly almost-too-shaggy hair starts stealing the spotlight, the band you’ve been envious of for so long will only have their music, stage show, and promotional skills to rely on. And that’s how it should be.