The TLP Network

No One and a Half: Things You Should Know

by on Jun.23, 2008, under Articles, No One and a Half

Scribed by Jason Firestone.

The cover song you picked for your set = better than the entire rest of your set.

Putting out the same album for 20 years does not make you “true,” “dedicated,” or “loyal,” it makes you really really really boring. On the flip side to that, if people are actually buying every single one of your albums despite it being a complete recycling of your last (read: every single AC/DC album after Back in Black), you’re running one hell of a good business.

You really sounded terrible when you tried to play while hammered. Get the hell off the stage.

No one is impressed by the directionless, pointless, randomly-placed sloppy byproduct of bad technique you call a guitar solo…. except for virginal dudes with scraggly mutton chops and puffy 1988 mullets who sit wide-eyed as they listen to their Nitro CDs while jacking off into their own mouths.

And if the best part of your song is the guitar solo, you need to learn to WRITE A FUCKING SONG.

Bass solos are cool if the bass player is absolutely amazing. Like Victor Wooten amazing, not “hey look, I’m banging out nursery rhymes on the strings and acting like that alone is worth me wasting 10 minutes of a set that could have been used for actually playing songs.”

Drum solos should never last more than 2 minutes unless the dude starts playing with his cock AND balls. While the drums are moving. Doesn’t matter how good the guy is, you’re banging on shit. ‘Nuff said.

The Beatles came up with great music when they were on acid. You… not at all.

Your “exciting blend of metalcore, hardcore, and thrash metal” sounds exactly like every band of five dudes that has ever been on MTV2, as well as every band you ever play with in your hometown. There is absolutely nothing original about your sound, no matter how much you whine about how “it all sounds the same nowadays” and talk your band up like it’s the “next [insert influential metal band here].” In fact, if you’re characterizing your band as the next ANY BAND you’re automatically revealing your astounding lack of originality.

Guitar Hero is not helping your playing. At all. It’s a VIDEO GAME. You’re pressing buttons in time with the little dots on screen. It’s like DDR except you’ll stay fat. And you still won’t be able to play a real instrument.

Lastly, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: There’s always some 12-year-old little punk in Methlab, Arkansas who can play faster than you can, sing higher than you can, scream louder than you can… who can make their breakdowns more brutal, their songs more emotional, their melodies catchier than you can… who can play more instruments, can write more songs, has more contacts than you… who has a bigger dick than you, more money than you, and gets a HELL of a lot more pussy than you… who can make whatever they touch more jaw-dropping, more awe-inspiring, more dumbfounding than you’ll ever be able to… So be who you are and shut the fuck up.

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