The TLP Network

No One and a Half: Types of Local Music Fans, pt. 1

by on May.19, 2008, under Articles, No One and a Half

Scribed by Jason Firestone.

I think we can all agree that the average music listener is a fucking idiot.

Okay, now if you managed to get this far we’re on the same page here.
Any idiot will shell out $85 (plus $20 Ticketmaster charges) to go to the Bon Jovi show “coming to a stadium near you” just because the local Clear Channel payola-driven media machine – I mean, “radio station” – promoted the hell out of it. But it takes special kinds of people to frequent local shows.

First we have the most common local show fan: the dive bar regular. There are thousands of tiny little dive bars tucked away all around you, but these particular people happen to spend a large portion of their lives at one that doubles as a venue. They might be full-blown alcoholics but when they like a band they’ll talk them up. Many of these people arrive at the bar when it opens and stay after hours, so their tastes in music are often very discriminating based on the sheer number of band shows they view weekly from their shaky bar stools. The regulars who happen to be well-established professional musicians are often indistinguishable from the just plain drunks, but they’ll all support just the same.

There are two types of local band girlfriends. The most common is the circumstantial fan. Her logic is that his Richard is burrowing in her Susan, so therefore she must love his music, attend every one of his shows, and pretty much just be the perfect fan, if only just for him. This girl will often be the girl that everyone in the venue with a penis between the ages of 18 and 80 wants to bang. Badly. This girl will run the merch booth every chance she gets, and she’ll know every word to every one of the band’s songs, no matter how shitty their lyrics are and no matter how god-awful the singing or even just the music in general is. Despite her devotion, she’s likely to end up cheating on this guy with someone in a bigger, more established band, usually one that landed a couple lucky gigs opening for a washed-up national act.
Another type of local band girlfriend is the one who is well aware of the lack of talent on her boyfriend’s part but figures that if she goes to a show of his every now and then when she’s not “busy” she won’t hurt his feelings. This girl can often be seen at the bar, in the bathroom doing her hair (or doing coke off the top of the empty paper towel holder), talking to her friends at the back of the place, text messaging her friends about how bored she is, or pretty much anywhere except in front or near the stage.

Next there is the little brother type. The little brother type sees in a certain local band (it’s usually only one particular local band) everything that he himself wishes he could be but that he isn’t and doesn’t think enough of himself to even strive to be. This guy is usually far from the most good-looking, and has the tendency to be that annoying guy with crooked glasses and a slight lisp who tells you with PBR breath through the gap in his teeth about how amazing this band is and that they’re gonna be world famous someday and how he’s gonna be their roadie because they told him he could and he’s gonna take pictures of them playing and send all of them to their MySpace page and goddamn they’re so incredible and he’s known all of them since high school when they were all in band and sports and popular and banging the hottest chicks in school while he was doing the pole polish to Maxim because he wasn’t old enough to buy porn and didn’t really have any friends except for these guys even though they were always too busy with what they were doing to pay much attention to him and holy shit they’re going on in five minutes and SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!!!

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