The TLP Network

No One and a Half: That Guy vs. That Asshole

by on May.12, 2008, under Articles, No One and a Half

Scribed by Jason Firestone.

I am that guy. Ya know, THAT guy.
I’m that guy who will go to a local show not only wearing the well-worn and faded t-shirt of the band I came to see, but telling everyone who comes near the door to stay for the band, because “being fully conscious at work tomorrow isn’t as important as staying for this band. Trust me.”
I’m that guy who, upon seeing that a great high-energy band is getting no more than head nods from the people watching them, will instantly yank my hair tie out, jump in the empty space right in front of the stage, and do figure 8s with my mane while flailing around like a fish out of water.
I’m that guy who sings along to every song a band plays that’s on their CD that I got at their last show no more than a month before.
I’m that guy who will tell a band after they play exactly what I liked about their set, sometimes even down to that two-note bass fill toward the end of “that one song you played before the second-to-last one I think.”
I’m that guy who will start a conversation with a gorgeous female at the show with “those guys are fucking AWESOME!” and forget to whore out the bands I’M in.

Yet, I am also that asshole. Ya know, THAT asshole.
I’m that asshole who will go to your show specifically to promote my band, shamelessly taking advantage of the crowd you worked so hard to bring in by talking up my band and handing out CDs and fliers.
I’m that asshole who, if a band are straight-up dicks to me or any of my good friends, will do any completely un-cool and possibly gay dance I can think of during their set, from Vogue-ing to doing the Macarena to doing a super-pasty-white-boy version of the Cabbage Patch to even just jumping up and down and making jacking off motions.
I’m that asshole who shows appreciation for the band playing by screaming between songs such inane obscenities as “I TOUCH MYSELF,” “MY NIPPLES ARE DANCING WITH JOY,” and “MY DICK JUST GREW HORNS!!!”
I’m that asshole who will actually pull a band aside and give them constructive criticisms because I think they have a lot of potential, despite my caring suggestions usually pissing them off.
I’m that asshole who will blatantly hit on an attractive female the whole night, find out from you that she’s your wife, and then have the nerve to send you a friend request on MySpace the next day.

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