The TLP Network

Sharing the Hate, Spreading the Pain: On Walking Death

by on May.01, 2008, under Articles, Sharing the Hate

I am a constant witness to walking death. Not the physical state in which one being ceases to exist. This is a different kind of death. This is a metaphysical death. This type of death is where one being ceases to exist in the mind of another. The type of death that happens at 2:30 or 3 in the morning as the night wanes and the morning rises. Each night is a lifetime, and that lifetime has strangers making friends and breaking friendships all in the same night. People learn lessons, and then they forget them. These lesson happened so long ago.

Each minute becomes a month in the short lifespan of this one night, and this one night is not specific to any given night. This one night can be any night, and all nights at the same time. This one night is any night you choose to interact with strangers at a club, bar, party, or small gathering. This one night could even be when you choose to interact with yourself.

In the proper setting, there will be an exchange of conversation, people will share drinks, and people will experience life. People will then meet others, or stick to their small groups occasionally bringing in outsiders whom some of the group does not know. People will reveal their hopes, dreams, aspirations, and expectations to each other. Those are glorious nights where people truly live.

Each morning I wake up sad, realizing that so many people died to me the night before. They died the second I left the room since I will never interact with them again. There could have been so much potential to move forward towards building bridges. Instead, they are part of the forgotten past. Those bridges burned quickly as the entire night was spent dousing the bridge in fuel. Anger is the next sensation to wash over me, since anger is a great medication for sadness without taking happy pills.

The resolve knowing that they lived last night is not comforting to the awareness that they will never live again in my mind. Hence, they are all dead. I am slightly the cause of that death, which brings about an even greater state of sadness. Those around me will bring me great pain, and I will bring great pain to those around me. That is my true and powerful gift to the world to share my hatred and discontent with those that bring me pain.

What actually happened last night? What did they say? What did they do? How did I react? These memories move forward, become warped by substances and perceptions never really revealing a true picture. I could always recreate the past to make it more comforting with falsehoods and hyperbole, but the rational truth is cold. This rational truth is cold only because it leads to the emptiness that is morning.

People tend to build walls to protect themselves, and never open up to other people. In reality, these people are forgotten within days of passing, and it does not matter what other people know about you. You are not important enough to remember, and whatever you are attempting to hide is not important enough to leave an impact on anyone other than yourself. Bottle up your fears and let them consume you. My world of chaos will be a better place for it since they will distance you from me.

This perpetual cycle of nothingness is never ending. If you see me out in public, please do not approach or talk with me. I do not want to mourn you in the morning as I prepare to head out the door for work.


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