The TLP Network

Sharing the Hate, Spreading the Pain: On Comforting Voices

by on Apr.24, 2008, under Articles, Sharing the Hate

The inner monologue continues to taunt me. As opposed to getting angry at the voice, I decided today to let the voice sooth me. Instead of lashing back with a witty remark to its biting sarcasm, I just listened. Probably for the first time in ages, I simply sat back and listened to my own voice as opposed to arguing with it.

This time around there was no deafening silence. There was no numbing sadness, rage, or hate. The voices actually made sense, and in that moment, I realized the voices had won. They won exactly what they set out to do in the first place.

It is the voice of intuition, which knows me better than I know myself.
It is the voice of guidance, which has strayed me from the pack for my own protection.
It is the voice of salvation, which has led me down this long dark yet comforting road.
It is the voice of reason, which has kept me from the herd for my own good.
It is the voice of damnation, which breeds an outsider looking in mentality.
It is the voice of command, which drives my actions forward.
It is the voice of cleansing, which burns my bridges behind me.
It is the voice of awareness, which is my only true friend.

It was time to revisit that happy place again. However, this time I wanted to take a different perspective on the situation. Instead of supervising the macabre by looking down the mountain into the fields with the funeral pyres of decay, I decided to look behind me.

Behind me were the charred remains and embers of bridges once connecting me to a mainland. The engorging chasm was vast, too vast to look across. I expect at one time like Pangaea they were connected. Was the grass greener there?

Connected, and slowly drifting apart to the point where the rope bridge itself snapped. The fire from the funeral pyre started on the mainland, and just jumped across the suspension bridge to get there. Makes sense that I did not turn my back on society, but society turned its back on me.

In that instant, when I gave into the voices the world ceased to exist. Everything ceased to exist and became blank. I could see nothing, hear nothing, experience nothing, and feel nothing. The darkness enveloped my core being like a white hole pushing out everything a black hole would suck in. This cathartic effect was very calming to say the least.

To describe this feeling as anything other than rebirth would not do the feeling justice. Rebirth as akin to the Phoenix. The Phoenix who recently had the flames burn out. The Phoenix who recently became a pile of ash and soot. The Phoenix who hits rock bottom. Then the Phoenix rises up in a wave of fire and passion in all its glory.

I awakened now to a steeled resolved intent and strengthened purpose. I should have known better than to argue with myself. The obvious damage created has a resounding impact on my surroundings. That reminds me, I still have to go to the store and get a new bed. For it all to start with waking up angry, it looks as if it all ends at waking up focused in intent. The hate and rage still burns within, but now the aim is outwards as opposed to inward.

sincelery,
Leo

No comments for this entry yet...

Comments are closed.

Looking for something?

Use the form below to search the site:

Still not finding what you're looking for? Drop a comment on a post or contact us so we can take care of it!

Visit our friends!

A few highly recommended friends...