The TLP Network

No One and a Half: Freudian Theories on Musicianism

by on Apr.14, 2008, under Articles, No One and a Half

Scribed by Jason Firestone.

To some, the legendary psychologist Sigmund Freud was a revolutionary genius who drastically altered the field of psychology entirely for the better. To others, he was just a weird guy who rode the ol’ White Pony way too often and thought that everything everyone does has to do entirely with sex. But I’m not here to write an essay on over/undersexed psychologists who did more coke than Robin Williams and George W. Bush combined, I’m supposed to be giving the weekly chuckle about the life of an average musician. But I think if Freud was still alive (or was brought back from the dead…. don’t laugh, Keith Richards is a walking corpse) he’d offer some interesting theories about the motivation for musicians in this day and age to do what they do. Here are some wonderful little nuggets he might offer:

-Let’s start with the fact that the majority of musicians STILL only start playing music because of a 30-year-old myth that all someone has to do to instantly get all the cooch they want is pick up an instrument and maybe start a band.

-Next let’s go to practicing. Musicians practice so they can get better at their instrument. Why do they want to get better? To impress chicks. And ultimately bang them.

-Musicians often start bands. Hell, everyone else is doing it. Conformity is sexy.

-That last one doesn’t apply if you’re just a singer-songwriter with an acoustic guitar playing in a coffee house. In that case, guys think that chicks dig it when guys act like they have a sensitive side.

-Often, musicians will work out. Like, ya know, exercise and stuff. Of course, no one works out to make THEMSELVES happy. Shit, we’d all be sitting on the couch eating Cheetos and watching VH1 reality shows if we didn’t care what people thought of us. In the case of musicians, the reason for exercise is either to have more energy and stamina “on stage” or even just to look appealing. The latter gets you laid and the former keeps you getting laid. When musicians play shows, they’re up on stage in front of EVERYONE, so that automatically increases the chance they’ll get noticed… and, well, laid. (Of course, it helps if there are actually people at the shows, but that’s a topic for a different week.)

-Last but not least, Freud would probably tell me I’m writing weekly articles for TLP to make people laugh, get noticed for my articles, use my articles to subtly promote myself and therefore my “music” “career”… all just to get some “Tab A in Slot B” action. He also might say that with three bands, a solo project, and a weekly article, I’m overcompensating for my perceived inadequacies and insecurities by trying way too hard to make myself seem like hot shit to the womenfolk. Well, he probably wouldn’t say that. (But it’s still probably true.) Hell, he probably wouldn’t say most of the things I wrote here. He’d say something about microphones and pencils being phallic objects, and he’d be all too willing to casually throw around the terms “Oedipus complex” (a guy being jealous of their dad for banging their mom) and “Castration Anxiety” (a guy’s supposed fear of having his “member” removed). What a fucking crackpot.

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