The TLP Network

Sharing the Love, Spreading the Joy: On Popcorn, Peanuts, and Pretzels

by on Jan.17, 2008, under Articles, Sharing the Hate

I feel infected by your presence.

Yes you, the one who goes out to bars and is part of the 85% of the populous that does not find the need to wash your hands after you have pissed all over your pants before swatting them with your hands.

Yes you, the one who sneezes directly into your hand and then is offended when I turn down your handshake.

Yes you, the one drinks spilt beer directly off the table.

Yes you, the one who thinks that showering is a special occasion, and anything can be covered with cologne or perfume.

And finally you, the one who does any of the above and then dips their hands into communal food sources such as popcorn, peanuts, and pretzels.

I would almost feel sorry for some of them, but watching them snort blow off the toilet speaks for itself.

As my friend Charles S. would say, it is time to “Nauseate yourself back into normalcy.” Sadly the drunken malaise they have placed themselves into will blur their mind of the memories, and give them convenient excuses not to remember exactly what they did or how they did it.

One could potentially argue that most people do not wash their hands because they lack nobility, decency, and character. They have reverted back to their Proletarian ways devolving into scum.

While Personal Hygiene in today’s standards is not considered a luxury, in respect to the past it is in every regard. There were no showers or indoor plumbing 150 years ago, but only central bathhouses. These bathhouses for the most part were communal in the form of swimming pools and sewage was communal in the form of cesspools. Later as populations consolidated and condensed, people begin transmitting cholera to one another through cesspools as sludge infected pure water sources. Before bathing in water there was bathing in oil, which also masks the horrible smells from the bacteria that grows in the dark crevices of your skin from sweat. These luxuries of the past are now necessities of the present, but soon to become luxuries of the future as we continue our societal decay.

There were even the great times when people would dump sewage into the river for it to flow into the sea. Sadly, they would take drinking water out of the same river. Needless to say, this practice continues today as refinement of drinking water becomes more and more stringent.

Today there are water restrictions in large sections of the country on when you can and how you can water your lawn. What comes of the day when they take restrictions a step further telling you when you can and where you can do laundry? What comes of the day when they take restrictions a step further telling you when you can shower?

What did people expect when they allowed urban sprawl to create suburbs so everyone could have their own plantation without the hired help to maintain it? Let them build out not up, and spread the populous out to increase the beauty of the surrounding areas with a sea of vehicles stuck in traffic. Make the simplest task of shopping at the nearest store a 30 minute trek, and waste billions of dollars in central infrastructure to provide electricity and water to these people. Now let us revert our vehicles back to a time when they had 50+ mpg, up from the average 17 mpg they operate at now.

The food ration points of the past could become the water ration points of the future. Depending upon the type of job, and how often you exercise will determine how many water ration points you have for the basics of showering, cooking, and laundry.

As people stop bathing, and washing their hands on a grand scale more common diseases now eradicated will start to come back. I remember back in the day when I could shower twice a day, and do laundry from the comfort of my living room.

Oh, how I miss those days, and now must wear five layers of clothes to mask my scent. Let us see what happens to undergarment fashion then.

Oh, how I miss those days, and now must eat soup out of a bread bowl until the bowl molds to the point where I must bake a new bowl. Let us see what happens to dining out in restaurants then.

Oh, how I miss those days, and now must put alcohol into all my drinking water to keep what water is left pure. Let us see what happens to straight edge purists then.

Oh, how I miss those days, and now can only use my bathtub to create fresh batches of LSD, and my dryer to create fresh batches of Crystal Meth. Let us see what happens to bar popcorn, peanuts, and pretzels then.

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