The TLP Network

No One and a Half: The Band

by on Dec.10, 2007, under Articles, No One and a Half

Scribed by Jason Firestone.

The microphone is a chew toy. Singing, screaming, growling, moaning… the only ways for a guy to deep-throat a phallic object without it ever being considered gay in the slightest. During a performance it’s forgotten that there are actually electronics inside that microphone. So slobber away!

Guitar strings are spider webs waiting to be smashed by a small pointed piece of plastic. Hard in brief muted slow strikes. Fast in rapid wrist movement. All that masterbation is finally paying off! Woo-hoo!

Bass strings are some goddamn telephone lines that one must beat the living crap out of. Whether plucking, slapping, picking, or tapping, it’s obvious that the skills picked up by milking cows can definitely be of use in other enjoyable activities as well.

Drums are, well, drums. Bam-bam! Bam-bam! Boop-biDEP-tsi-boop-biDEP! ME PLAY DRUMS! ME BANG ON THINGS! MAKE NOISE GO BOOM! TAKE AWAY DRUMS AND ME LOOK LIKE ME HAVING SEIZURE!

Form a band, play some shows, you are GODS for 45 minutes. Does anyone care? You bet your ass!

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