The TLP Network

Sharing the Hate, Spreading the Pain: On Sneezes

by on Nov.29, 2007, under Articles, Sharing the Hate

Come with me and meet death halfway this holiday season.

It all started with one of THOSE sneezes. You know the type that you decide that, “I’m not going to cover my mouth, because no one is around.” Instead, you think foolishly you can just aim slightly to the left of your leg and all is well. It ends with slime and slobber down the side of your pants. What do you do at that point, besides think, “Shit! That was me last year around this time.”

Do you wipe your pants off with your hand? If you do, where do you wipe your hands to clean them? Your pants? You see the dilemma, because if you do not wipe your hands there is just a big blob of snot on the side of your leg, and it feels wet and sticky. If you do wipe your pants with your hand, where do you wipe your hand? I decide the shirt, since if I am going to walk around as a disease cloud, might as well cover all the bases at once. I am all poised to give someone that handshake that comes complete with the slap on the back embrace. My pants and shirt will rub up against them, and this greeting technique is the best way to say hello to someone you know. Nothing much to do but sit back, relax, and think T’is (This is) the season to infect the world with the common cold.

It could have been worse. I could have sneezed into my microphone, and then let the next band or DJ of the night decide to use the same microphone.

Do you eat off the floor? Do you not wash your hands after using the restroom? Do you share beer glasses with the entire bar? If you answered no to these questions, why do you share a microphone with the house infecting yourself with who knows what from those supporting acts? If you aren’t a vocalists, don’t worry, they will infect you the next time you practice in that small metal non-ventilated box.

If the band is all sick at the same time, then you know their set is killer. At the very least, them all being sick means they hang out together, and probably practice together. That or they’ll share some alcohol with you and get you sick that way. Either way you look at it, the band is killer.

Sadly, at this point, slime is all over my pants, shirt, and keyboard. What do I care? It is my sickness and I can’t catch it again. I’m immune to it for at least two months, and the bugs do not last that long. I will also be leaving the house shortly since I have a show to attend. I think I’ll give everyone one of those handshakes that come complete with the slap on the back embrace, or a flyer from my pocket. Yes, t’is the season to spread my flyers like a plague and watch the blight consume all of humanity like Cryptosoridium in the drinking water. Welcome to the Brutal Backhand.

2 comments for this entry:
  1. Jason

    Haha! What a great misanthropic metaphor. Humanity is a germy snot glob on the pant leg of the Earth?

  2. LeoCain

    Shame there is no cure for the common cold or humanity.

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