The TLP Network

No One and a Half: Two Cents on Stage Shows, Pt. 1

by on Oct.29, 2007, under Articles, No One and a Half

Scribed by Jason Firestone.

Your band’s stage show is pathetic. Only you can figure out how to improve it, but I’d like to give you one man’s opinion on what you’re doing wrong. Unfortunately, that one man happens to be me. So, with the help of my good friends Sleep Deprivation and Caffeine Withdrawal, I present to you, in list form, part 1 of the No One and a Half Two Cents on Stage Shows for Musicians!

1. Let’s start with what you’re wearing. No, I’m not hear to give you intense fashion tips, as anyone who knows me knows I am far from having any sense of style at all. As far as I’m concerned, the main purpose of clothes is to cover parts of the body that no one wants to see and/or that you’d get arrested for displaying in public. So guys, please stop wearing girl pants. No one wants to see your junk popping out, much less DEFINED. Besides, if you can comfortably fit into girl pants then chances are you don’t have much going on down there anyway. ‘Nuff said. As for the ladies, it’s a fact of life that boobs are one of the most beautiful things in existence. But if they’re practically falling out on stage then good luck getting anyone to actually pay attention to your musical performance.

2. If your instrument is particularly shiny to begin with, don’t polish it right before the show. I have to stare at the sun enough in rush hour traffic.

3. Don’t take forever to set your equipment up. This cuts down the time for all the other bands and gets just about everybody pissed off. Including the sound guy. And you don’t wanna fuck with the sound guy.

4. Speaking of the sound guy, if you don’t like the job he’s doing, don’t bash him while you’re on stage. In fact, do everything he tells you to do because no matter how crappy of a job he’s doing, he can always make it worse. Yes, many sound guys are complete dicks and seem to only be doing live sound because they failed miserably at being musicians themselves and therefore get a hard-on from making musicians miserable (I said MANY sound guys), but keep in mind that no matter how great your band sounds, there are an infinite number of ways to make you sound like total shit.

5. And for fuck’s sake, TUNE!!!!

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