The TLP Network

No One and a Half: Self-promotion, Shameless and Relentless

by on Oct.15, 2007, under Articles, No One and a Half

Scribed by Jason Firestone.

What do Hitler, Metallica, and Coca-Cola all have in common? You’ve heard of them! Musicians: does it seem like no one knows who you are (or even care)? Most likely that’s because it’s true. You need to step up your pathetic promotional approach by constantly wearing the promotion on your sleeve. So you have a grindcore band called Cuntsplatter Grundlefuck? Wipe some poo on your shirt. When everyone around you soon figures out where that darn smell is coming from, you’ll find that you’ll immediately have free reign to talk about your band ad nauseam without interruption.

Want people to come to your show? You have to have the mindset that everything is about your show and that there is nothing in the world that can possibly be nearly as important as your show. Someone has a funeral to go to? Selfish bastards, people die everyday but your show at this place on this particular time and date only will happen once. Everyone needs to know about your show and will be a better person for not only knowing about your show, but attending as well. And if for some reason they can’t attend, they need to feel guilty about not being able to attend… so guilty that they’ll drive an hour to get to your next show, just to make it up to you and not feel like a total piece of shit.

This isn’t just about people around the venue, it’s about EVERYONE within a ten mile radius of the venue. Even if they don’t come to the show and have no desire to come to the show, they’ll know that there’s a goddamn show going on! What you have to always keep telling people is that your show will be big. Nay, HUGE. But just telling people about it won’t make it so. Sometimes you have to jam it into people’s heads without them knowing. You don’t have to be some genius advertising wizard or something, it’s just about saturation. Everyday we’re constantly bombarded with slogans, ads, logos… Coke, Pepsi, Nokia, Nike, Adidas, Toyota, Ford, Southwest, Northwest, Fox, ABC, Dasani, Aquafina, [insert names here] lawyer partnership… why can’t we shove our own messages down people’s throats? Hell, don’t stop with just trying to outdo the corporations, go the whole nine. Those pesky stop signs could use a coating of fresh band stickers. Then when you hear on the news about a 10-car pile-up, your band gets more free exposure than Britney Spears’ torn-up vagina. Or R. Kelly’s piss. Or Bill O’Reilly’s Caribbean shower fantasies.

Actually, forget everything I said. Why waste your life working hard to get yourself out there when you can be famous overnight from something completely inane? This is the age of William Hung, Chris Crocker, and Numa Numa. Buy yourself a web cam, chase rubbing alcohol with Full Throttle, and go to town! You’ll inspire a budding generation of overly dramatic retards who sing about chocolate rain and just want people to LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!! And then when you’re on Letterman and he’s asking you why there’s crap on your shirt, you’ll know exactly what to say.

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