The TLP Network

No One and a Half: I’d like to share a poem with you

by on Oct.08, 2007, under Articles, No One and a Half

Scribed by Jason Firestone.

See band.

See band arrive five minutes before they’re scheduled to go on stage.

Hear band proceed to assault your ears for half an hour with near-constant feedback, songs indistinguishable from one another, and incoherent ramblings both between and during songs.

Watch band argue with the sound guy (during their set) about all the feedback they’re having on stage that could be remedied simply by them stepping six inches farther away from their amp.

Hear band yell at the audience in screams filled with the deep-seeded rage of either never actually having had a girlfriend, or of their current girlfriend banging everyone on two legs EXCEPT for them… including the sound guy, the door guy, the delivery guy, the guy who comes in selling flowers, that guy who sits in the corner drinking Pabst and talking to himself …

The pissant pack of pricks proceed to pack their piss-poor gear.
As slow as possible.





Who are those leech venue owners to time that which cannot be timed?
Who are they to infringe upon the vast empire of a band that has played this same show for a full three years at this same dive bar exclusively?
Who are they to step on the toes of a band whose members’ excrements collectively smell like a fragrant blend of cinnamon, sage, and rosemary?

The busty bartender brings the band a bunch of beer.
Tipping is for Chinese cows. Or something like that.
We’re in a world of genocide, war, and erosion of civil liberties, but what’s really important is who can launch their puke the farthest over the bar.

“Splish splosh” goes the mop.

Despite the downright disrespect the despicable dunces deserve, the other bands thank them for playing that night.

Uh, what other bands?

1 comment for this entry:
  1. Donkey

    Haha!Very nice,nothing like an egotistical fuck-wad shit band!But dont forget,the girl bangin everyone (or one of her friends)should also give some to the guy with the long hair and glasses standing near the sound booth!

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