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Nerds With Beer: Heat Exhaustion and Desperation: A Wedding Story.. -er, Beer Review (Miller Lite)

by on Sep.07, 2007, under Articles, Nerds With Beer

Written by Kat, syndicated Nerds With Beer Writer

Miller Lite
It was a very hot and miserable day, the day my oldest cousin, Jeff, decided to get married. What though could I expect, it being the middle of August and all? And in the middle of the afternoon. On a sunny day. In Georgia. And, oh yeah, set OUTDOORS. Despite my best efforts to stay cool (short dress, no stockings, hair up, and waving one of those little oriental fans around), I still somehow managed to get heat exhaustion in the 20 minutes the ceremony went on for (it would have only been about 5 minutes had they skipped all the praying. I spent most of the time praying for cloud coverage, not holy matrimony. Sorry guys).

Needless to say by the time the (thankfully) indoor reception rolled around I was practically dying for some sort of tasty beverage. The bar had this: Bud, Bud Light, Miller Lite, an assorted selection of white and red wines, water and soda (pop for you northerners). Now, let’s analyze the situation. I’m at a wedding. A wedding with free alcohol. Not the best selection of alcohol but free alcohol nonetheless and I’m practically on fire having sat outside for 20 minutes when there was a heat index of 120 degrees. Any guesses as to what I went for?

(Those of you who said water obviously have never been to a wedding before with free alcohol. And anyone who said wine has never had wine after baking in the sun. Yes folks, it will make you feel worse. Much worse.)

The answer: ye olde standby, Miller Lite. No, it really isn’t my old standby. Yuengling is. But if I’m in someone’s house and it’s the only thing they have and it happens to be so well refrigerated I can’t taste it, I’ll drink it.

After asking for my ID the bartender hands me a dainty glass filled with Miller Lite. One of the other wedding guests is standing near the bar ordering a Miller Lite as well. She proclaims how she feels it is the King of Beers, much superior to Budweiser who actually trademarked the title. I inquire as to why she feels this way. She continues on with how refreshing the beer is, light and crisp, and how she likes it more than Budweiser because it has less of an aftertaste. By that time I’m fully amused. I just keep agreeing with her because, well, I do. I like it much better than Budweiser. Miller Lite practically tastes like water. Budweiser tastes like rotting bread. I’d gladly choose water over rotting bread. Lack of taste isn’t a reason for drinking and “liking” a beer though. One should drink a beer because you can taste it and it’s a taste you enjoy.

At any rate, I decided to actually taste and review Miller Lite. I started out in my normal fashion: sniffing it. A person can usually tell a lot of things by smell. This happened to smell like a whole lot of nothing. Well, maybe not nothing. It had an after-smell (if such a thing exists) that reminded me of the breath of an alcoholic after they had just downed a 12-pack. One sniff and I didn’t really want to go much further but thirst won so I took my first sip. The one redeeming quality of Miller Lite is that it is heavily carbonated and that distracts from the immediate taste. If you happen to swish it around a bit in your mouth it takes a while for the filmy taste of rotting bread to surface. I’m guessing that’s why frat boys like to chug this beer so much- if you chug it, you can’t taste it and the carbonation leads to bigger, better burps. As far as coloring goes- it looks like piss. Unhealthy piss to be exact, for it’s more gold than not.

So let’s recap: it looks like unhealthy urine, smells like alcoholics (or is it alcoholics smell like Miller Lite? Hmmm), tastes like rotten bread unless you chug it right away…and the verdict is…

Miller Lite earns the Nerds with Beer Disapproving Glance of Disgust.

After drinking about half the glass of Miller Lite (it eventually got too warm to be tolerable), I moved on to Merlot. A much better decision for my taste buds; not so good of a decision for my head. The rest of the wedding passed by uneventfully and my cousin and his bride lived happily ever after (or have been for the past two weeks since the wedding occurred).

1 comment for this entry:
  1. Tim IR Baltimore

    So to some this up in four words, “Less Taste, More Filling”.

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